Have you ever seen a dream clash with reality?  Not a "When I grow up, I'm going to be a fairy" kind of dream, but a passion? 
Maybe the right word isn't even a dream.  It's the dream--the one that seemed to be planted in the deepest places of my heart, the one that's been there all the way through, growing changing, becoming deeper and wider and fuller in the inner places of my being.  Have you ever watched that crash with reality?
I'm not saying reality's only option is going to destroy the dream.  I'm not even saying I feel hopeless.
I am saying I feel like I'm watching them smash into each other--the daily needs, things like having money, eating, and sleeping and the dream--this insatiable desire for the world.  It's not that I can't go to the mission field if I don't get to go to school.  It's that school feels right, feels like where I should be, and I don't understand how to do it all. 
We can't do it all.
We are going to class in the mornings and working 3:30 to midnight. 
We are so busy that we're so exhausted by mealtimes that we choose to sleep instead of eat. 
We need to wash clothes, but we're never at home long enough to be there for the whole dryer cycle. 
And something's got to give.  I don't know what, but this is not sustainable. 
I love school.  I love my husband more.
The dream is that we both get this training, have our hearts and minds sharpened in this environment so we can work together with skills we've honed together. 
But I would rather maintain my relationship with God than just learn about Him, so rushed I never spoke to Him except for more help.
And I would rather maintain my relationship with Andrew than run constantly beside him without ever getting to look over and just enjoy being with him.

We need someone rich to sponsor us, I think. 
I haven't noticed anyone with the funds though. 
Pues, we'll see. 

Well, let's see here... as soon as I get comfy, something's bound to change.  I think that's the lesson I'm learning in life now, in this strange year from January 10, 2007 to January 10, 2008. 
So we got everything with school straightened out!  They told us how much we owe, we're booked to go to the new student day, and classes will be starting on January 29th... my first day without a job. 
Yeah, about that.  So my job?  Not so much.  We used to have a flexible boss, with whom we were given assurances of schedule flexibility for students.  Now we have a new boss.  And Andrew's schedule will work, but mine won't.  And I'm sad about it.  It's good, I know.  I won't deny it.  There are things that this will (potentially) provide that we will probably need greatly as the semester begins.  Stuff like more time.  But there are other things we'll be losing.  We won't work at the same place together or have dinner together every night anymore.  I'll have to get more baby friendships in Birmingham.  I'll have to figure out another new job, learn the ropes and be the newbie again.  And there is the whole paycheck thing.   
But there are a lot of blessings, too.  I'm already enrolled on all of Andrew's benefits, so I won't lose my health insurance or anything.  A different job might free me up some in what will be a tight schedule to make sure things stay pulled together--things like having food to eat and clothes to wear.  And I have prayed, and feel confident that God is guiding perfectly through it all (as He is so prone to be).  I like the fact that the way I choose to respond to this is something that my coworkers will see, and that hopefully they will see some little piece of something more than Alyse.
I have to confess, I'm also still just a little shocked at reading those paragraphs.  Are you kidding??  Since when did I do things like have a household?  I'm not even good at ironing!  And I'm talking about things like benefits.  And some days it feels like I just rush around to make ends meet and never meet myself at all.  Does that make sense?  Like I get so busy I can't hear the rhythm of my own soul.  And I don't even respect that in other people--I sure don't like to find it in myself. 

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Sometimes, I want to be down at the gazebo on a warm, breezy day, sitting on the swing off to the left.  I want to watch the clouds again, trace their figures in the sky and then the water, watch a squirrel arch his back in alarm as I move.  I want wind in my hair, on my face, on my neck...  I want to rest in the sunshine, then feel the cool shadows of the trees lengthen and spread as the sun lowers behind me.  I hunger for the familiarity, and I hunger for the serenity of unscheduled time in beauty.  Cities don't let you do that.  You can't go out to see the stars--the city light will block and dim them, a cheap substitute attempting to wrench the glory of the heavens away.  Besides, it's dangerous out at night.  You don't know where to go, might get lost; the city's not safe.  And where's a warm spring night with the heavy, sweet breeze of magnolia blooms and dogwood blossoms?  I miss walking.  I miss needing my sweaters because I actually went outside, had to go outside for anything.  I don't do that now.  We only go to the car and then back in again.  I want to stroll with Andrew hand in hand down 5th Street.  I know every crack of those sidewalks.  And I want to walk past the beautiful houses with manicured lawns, big porches, and well-tended roses that make you believe the whole world goes right.  It's not that Birmingham is a bad place.  It's just not our place yet.  And it's not that I'm sad here.  It's just that when I write I express things I don't even know I'm thinking until they're unfolded, line after line, neat on the screen and smoothed out from snarls in my heart.  And I haven't written enough in a time, and there is much change to process. 

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  In the midst of it all--Texas-sickness, Arkadelphia-sickness, friend-sickness, and a touch of regular seasonal allergies--I also get to watch my marriage gently unfold, slowly blossom.  I think so much, "I can't wait to be like Uncle Jerry and Aunt Barbara."  It is so exciting to me to know that this relationship is one that feels so strong and sufficient now, but that God will make it so much more.  And sometimes that will feel exhilarating, and sometimes it will feel like it's all falling apart.  Right now, I just enjoy it.  I like it.  I love him.  I love getting to play chess together.  I love that he knows when I'm sad when no one else can tell.  I love that he convinces me to eat unhealthy foods way after four hours before bedtime.  I love that we can talk about doctrine or can have an entire conversation in goofy accents.  I like that we're so different and fit so right, and I like that we both are still eager to please, eager to praise, eager to listen.  I know there will be different phases, even as in any relationship.  I like this one for now, but I won't grudge the next ones when they come, either.  It's nice to see that the first bloom of love is not its only sweet moment, as so much second-rate country will attest, but that there's more to keep growing in to and that we will never outgrow this amazing gift.

Well, my once-a-week updates are woefully behind.  The weekend before Christmas, we were in Paragould, AR, at Andrew's aunt and uncle's house for a family Christmas party.  The next weekend, we headed to Georgetown, TX (my home) for Christmas itself.  We got Monday and Tuesday off, but had to work the day after Christmas, so we made the twelve-hour drive Christmas day.  We were hard core.  Being back was so good.  It was absolutely worth it to both of us.  We like Birmingham.  We have great jobs, we like our house, we like our church... I guess it just doesn't feel like home just yet to either of us.  These things take time, I know.  And when we leave Birmingham, we will long for it, for the faces we don't know yet and the memories we are just now living.  We will long for our simple Birmingham mornings like today--I sit typing beside him as he balances the checkbook or plays a video game.  The sunlight comes into our big windows and makes our hardwood floors shine, makes the ornaments on our Christmas tree sparkle and glow. 
We haven't had Christmas yet.  It's still going for us.  We didn't have time to really enjoy it alone together with all the traveling before Christmas, so we saved it for New Years Day.  We have tomorrow off work, and we're going to open presents and stockings and have big Christmas meals and everything.  It will be nice when we know people better here.  School starts in just a few weeks.  I am eager and I dread it.  We already feel so busy... but I can't wait to be back in a classroom, especially at that school.  Beeson seems amazing, both intellectually and spiritually. 

I have really big news from Christmas!  Amaris is pregnant!!  If you know my sister or were at my wedding, that may matter to you.  Otherwise, just know I am going to be an aunt!! 

Also, I will be flying back to Texas this Friday for Rachel Smiley's wedding.  I am excited!

And hopefully soon Fred and Catherine will be on their way to visit Birmingham!

So, overall, life is good.  We want some more friends eventually, but our tree is decorated, we got to kiss at midnight, and tomorrow we are eating a.ma.zing food.  I hope.  Or I will have really messed up some nice food.  And then we'll eat cereal and I'll be so sad. 

Happy new year, my friends.  May God bless you in this year with inner peace and visible joy.  I pray that you delight in his smallest gifts, that you have relationships of depth and meaning, and that the year holds wonderful surprises for you. 

It is another Saturday.  It is a very good Saturday.

We are at the Fultons' right now--we left Birmingham at 5:00 Thanksgiving morning and got in just in time for Thanksgiving dinner. 
It is a little strange and intimidating to think of going to a family celebration in a new family.  I'm really glad that this family is the one I married into.  I love that I feel welcomed to be at home.  I like that I love these people. 
We have relaxed a lot. 
--Had fires every day, and roasted marshmallows in them, too. 
--watched Arkansas beat LSU in the third overtime and Texas A&M beat UT (well, ok, I confess--I napped through the first three and a half quarters.  But for real, you guys, I actually watched and followed and cared about the ends of both games.  That's a first in my life.).  
--played lots of board games. 
 --Made pizzas from scratch. 
--played video games. 
--decorated the Christmas tree. 
--watched Christmas movies. 
I like that it doesn't feel like a competition to me between his family and mine, his home and mine.  We have more to share, not less to spread out.  I like that we will get to combine traditions and learn how to do things our own new way, too. 
New Traditions I like:
sausage roll on holiday mornings
broccoli casserole
watching "It's A Wonderful Life" during Thanksgiving break.

I will be glad to go to G-town for Christmas.  I'm excited about people at church getting to meet Andrew, and I'm excited that they're going to be able to see us married and process that.  I can't wait to get to see people from Georgetown.  I'm also going to enjoy time back at home--our home.  I'm excited about decorating  and Christmas baking--the house smelling like cinammon and Christmas. I'm looking forward to our first Christmas we celebrate together at our house, just the two of us. 

Well, I have a victory celebration to go plan.  There's a guy at work who's also from the Austin area and is a passionate Longhorn, and he has been harassing me endlessly about being an Aggie. 
I'm planning to get to work a half-hour early to decorate his cubicle.  I hope to make him consolation cupcakes and hang maroon decorations and longhorn jokes.  A&M doesn't win that often.  When it happens, it should be celebrated. 

Well, that's my holiday summary... we're planning on stopping for barbeque at Craig's on the way back, and I'm really excited.  Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!